Toxic relationship

Do you ever find yourself wondering about certain relationships and thinking: how is it possible that “they” are still together? They love and hate each other. They want to break up, but then they reconcile again. These relationships are often full of drama, sudden twists, and chaos. Being around such couples often creates a sense of discomfort or confusion. We simply feel that something is wrong. Their contradictory behaviors raise concern. Sometimes there are clear signs of domestic violence that are carefully hidden. When we try to intervene, we encounter resistance, anger, or sometimes a complete break in contact. We usually summarize it by saying: this relationship is toxic.

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship is a type of relationship in which one partner constantly and deliberately:

crosses the functional boundaries of the other person,
contributes to lowering the other person’s self-esteem,
distorts the perception of reality in the motivational, emotional, and cognitive spheres,
provokes escalating emotions such as shame, fear, pain, and anger.

In a toxic relationship, the needs and desires of one partner are devalued and pushed aside.

A common question arises: how is it possible that someone did not notice earlier that they were becoming involved with a toxic person? How did they fail to recognize the warning signs? Even more puzzling is the fact that some people repeatedly enter toxic relationships. Their surroundings often wonder how it is possible that each new partner turns out to be a copy of the previous one. We begin to question whether we choose such partners ourselves or whether certain people are chosen by such partners.

Phases of a toxic relationship

When analyzing the experiences of people who have been or currently are in toxic relationships, we can notice certain common stages that appear in abusive relationships.

At the beginning there is great love. We receive from our partner everything we were missing in life—things we may not have experienced in childhood or in previous relationships. Our partner seems fully committed. They are affectionate, loving, attentive, and gradually surround us in such a way that they become our whole world.

Everything we do, everything we think about, and everything we plan places our partner at the center. If our partner is tired, we walk on tiptoe. If they are happy, we feel even happier, praising them endlessly. If they are dissatisfied, our mood also drops. We begin to feel that the whole world is unfair to them. We distance ourselves from friends, especially those who gently suggest that something may be wrong in our relationship.

Should we be worried at this stage? Of course not. Most relationships begin this way—partners focus almost entirely on each other. They simply cannot get enough of one another. This is the stage of being in love, which usually evolves into a relationship based on love, partnership, and respect.

Unfortunately, toxic relationships operate differently. Gradually tension begins to grow between partners. At first these are small things—minor arguments or dissatisfaction—which gradually transform into attacks, accusations, and blame. The partner may make absurd accusations, suggesting infidelity, disloyalty, or intentional harm.

We may begin to feel confused or experience our partner’s behavior as irrational or paranoid. This stage is called the tension-building phase. The accused person often does not understand what is happening and feels lost. After all, this partner is the love of their life. Attempts to resolve the conflict often escalate emotions and increase the partner’s aggression.

Usually at this point the relationship moves into the second stage called the conflict escalation phase. In this stage, almost every type of violence may appear—emotional, financial, and sometimes even physical violence.

The toxic partner often uses emotional blackmail, creates guilt, and makes accusations such as: now you will definitely leave me. They refer to past relationships, parents, or previous experiences. Arguments often become dramatic and chaotic. Dishes may be thrown, neighbors or the police may intervene, and friends may become involved—until the situation suddenly changes.

The final stage is the honeymoon phase. Suddenly the partner transforms into an angel. They express remorse, apologize, and try to fulfill every expectation. They become loving, respectful, and admiring—every positive adjective you can imagine.

And this harmony lasts… until the next time.

A toxic relationship moves in a cycle: tension, escalation, and the “honeymoon.” Partners trapped in a toxic relationship resemble hamsters running on a wheel—constantly moving yet remaining in the same place.

Over time, people around them become accustomed to the situation. Neighbors stop calling the police, friends distance themselves, and even family members stop reacting. Yet in a toxic relationship there is always a perpetrator and a victim—a winner and someone defeated.

The winner takes everything and recharges their energy before the next attack, while the defeated partner slowly descends into lower loneliness, diminished self-esteem, and loss of personal agency—often leading to depression.

Even if both partners initially start from the same position, the long-term process of victimization may lead to a situation in which one partner becomes a victim, and learned helplessness removes their ability to change their situation. As a result, many people remain in such relationships for years.

Signs of a toxic partner

Let us now look at both partners in a toxic relationship. It is important to emphasize that both women and men can be perpetrators or victims in toxic relationships. Although men report domestic violence less frequently, this is often due to shame or fear of ridicule.

Who, then, is a toxic partner? Although we might imagine a psychopath or a narcissist, these personality disorders affect only about 3–5% of the global population. Toxic relationships are far more common.

A toxic partner may therefore be anyone who demonstrates antisocial behaviors aimed at gaining control over another person’s life.

Main traits of a toxic partner:

egocentrism,
selfishness,
excessive criticism,
tendency to humiliate others,
excessive jealousy,
distrust,
ability to create a destabilizing environment,
offensiveness,
fearfulness.

Toxic partners often project a large amount of negative emotions onto others. Frequently they themselves grew up in toxic environments or experienced unhealthy attachment styles in childhood.

For example, children raised by caregivers with anxious-ambivalent attachment styles may receive contradictory messages such as “I love you” and “I hate you.” Such experiences can make it difficult to build healthy relationships in adulthood.

Why do we enter toxic relationships?

Who is most likely to become the victim in a toxic relationship? Often there is a correlation with experiences of abuse or emotional deprivation in childhood.

Because of childhood trauma, emotional neglect, abuse, disturbed sense of security, codependency, and low self-esteem, people may enter relationships that appear to provide everything they lacked earlier in life.

These relationships often develop quickly and deeply, making it difficult to notice when things begin to go wrong. This is why toxic relationships are often associated with codependency.

On the one hand, we may realize the relationship is unhealthy. On the other hand, we defend it against criticism and treat it as the only safe place we know.

Over time the victim may isolate themselves from family and friends. Their reactions may become exaggerated due to fear, anxiety, anger, or pain. One thing is certain: such a person needs support—especially in rebuilding self-esteem, restoring motivation, and understanding what is happening in their life.

The distorted reality experienced by the victim often leads to learned helplessness. The person begins to believe that nothing they do will change the situation, so they stop trying to improve their circumstances.

Can a toxic relationship be repaired?

A natural question arises: can a toxic relationship be repaired? Is it possible to leave such a relationship?

Yes—especially if there is no violence. In such cases couples may seek couples therapy.

The first step is willingness to change. Recognizing and understanding the need for change is already a step toward improvement.

A therapist can help partners understand the mechanisms behind toxic behaviors and guide them toward healthier relationship patterns. If necessary, one partner may be referred for a psychiatric consultation.

Ending a toxic relationship – how to break free

Sometimes partners want to leave a toxic relationship but lack the emotional resources to do so. Toxic relationships often develop over many years and may feel like the only safe environment a person knows.

Some victims may also experience financial dependence or lack professional experience, which makes leaving even more difficult. They may struggle with dependent personality traits and feel unable to make independent decisions.

In such situations, individual therapy focused on rebuilding self-esteem, strengthening emotional awareness, and restoring a sense of agency can be very helpful.